These woodworking jokes have been curated from various sources and we have linked credit to the source when possible.
Neither A Borrower Nor A Lender Be
A woodworker called his brother-in-law, who was always borrowing something.
“Is it okay if I bring my table saw over and leave it in your garage?” he asked.
“Well, of course. But why?”
“Oh, it’s a little lonely. It wants to be near the rest of my tools.”
A Little Farther Over The Hill
A woodworker’s wife was getting on a bit, and he was beginning to worry about her hearing. So, he asked the doc if there was an easy DIY test for that. He was told to stand about forty feet away from her, speak in a normal tone of voice, and see if she could hear. If she didn’t, then he was to move a bit closer and try again.
That evening, he was sitting in his favorite easy chair in the living room and she was busy in the kitchen. He figured she was about forty feet away, so he asked in a level ton what she was making for dinner.
He got up and walked across the room, and tried again, but there was still no response.
He walked into the hall and tried.
He walked into the kitchen, stood two feet behind her and tried once more.
She turned, started at him in frustration, and said: “For the fourth time, Harry, I’m making beer stew!”
Politics And Peanuts
The candidate turned bowls on the lathe as a hobby. So, when he was visiting a retirement home, he stopped by the room of an ancient woodworker to wheedle his vote. After a few minutes talking shop, the geezer offered him a bowl of peanuts. He took a few and asked if the old man wanted any.
“Oh no, I don’t have any teeth left for those.”
“Hmmm. Then, why do you keep a bowl of them here?”
“Oh, I still like to suck the chocolate off the outside…”
- Depending on your personality, making holes is either drilling or boring…
- My brother fell into the table saw, and now he’s my half-brother…
- A carpenter ant walked into a saloon and asked: “Where’s the bar tender?”
- Every woodworker needs a wood stove.
- If you can’t glue it, then screw it.
- Do it right now, or do it right, now.
- If the joint isn’t perfect, try a bigger hammer.
- A blind woodworker picked up a hammer and saw.
- If you don’t think money grows on trees, try buying clear cherry.
- Measure twice, cut once, fill, sand, fill…
Holier Than Thou
“Don’t forget to fill the knotholes before staining.” The journeyman said.
“You mean, the holes?” asked his new apprentice.
“Yes, the knotholes.”
“I’m confused. Are they holes, or are they not holes?”
An apprentice carpenter approached a hardware store clerk.
“A pound of nails, please,” he said timidly.
“How long do you want them?”
“Well, I think we’ll need to keep them…”
A woodworker was feeling too depressed to come to work.
“You should do what I do,” his boss said, “whenever I’m feeling down, I get a little playful with my wife, and in no time at all my mood changes.”
The employee hung up.
But two hours later, he called his boss back.
“You’re right!” he said. “And by the way, you did a lovely job repairing that crack in the bedroom ceiling.”
“Gimme a beer!” a gorilla grumped to the barman.
“Oh my!” said the barman. “You can talk!”
“Well of course I can. And I have plenty to say. Dang jobsite just fired me, and we were only hallway through the trim.”
“You’re a finish carpenter?”
“So, what are you going to do now? I hear Barnum & Bailey are coming to town. I bet they’d love to give a job to a talking gorilla.”
The gorilla swirled his beer, and thought for a minute.
“Don’t they operate in a huge tent?”
“Yup, they sure do.”
“So, what makes you think,” he said, scratching his head, “that they’d need a finish carpenter?”
By Any Other Name
A fellow walked into the doctor’s office and approached the receptionist.
“I have shingles,” he said.
“Oh, you poor man,” she replied. “Take a seat and the nurse will be right with you.”
In a few minutes, the nurse appeared.
“You have shingles?” she asked. He nodded, and she took him straight into see the doc. But after a brief exam, the medic is puzzled.
“And just where, my good man,” says the doctor, “are these shingles?”
“On the truck,” he says. “Are you the guy who signs for them?”
There was the old Norse woodworker who liked to fell his own trees using the saw his grandfather used. He could cut about four cords a day. One winter morning, his grandson saw him working and suggested that he upgrade to a chainsaw. The boy thought that he could double his output.
Well, Sven thought it over for about a week and decided to give it a try. He walked into town and bought a brand-new Stihl Magnum with a long bar.
The first day was a learning experience and he only harvested half a cord. The second day wasn’t much better, and by the middle of the third he slung the saw over his shoulder and marched back to the store.
“This darn thing doesn’t work at all!” he complained.
“Well,” the salesman said, “it looks like the chain is a little dull, but not too bad.”
He bent over the saw, pulled the cord and the engine started on the first try.
“What the heck is that noise?” shouted Sven…
If you’re ever worried that a woodworker might be going insane, just ask him if he has too many clamps. If he says yes, get help immediately.
Two ancient brothers ran a woodshop, and each was beginning to notice how the other was becoming a little forgetful. One day, the older brother was heading for the hardware store and the younger one asked him to pick up some two-inch screws.
“Aren’t you going to write that down?” he asked.
“My memory is fine,” big brother said sharply. “That’s why we’re not asking you to go.”
A couple hours later, he returned to the shop with a paper bag.
“There you go,” he said. “Two pounds of sixpenny finish nails.”
The younger brother stared at him, astounded.
“I didn’t ask for nails!” he yelled. “Now I’ll have to go down there myself just to pick up the darn wood filler…”
A carpenter in New York won a trip to Las Vegas in a raffle at the hardware store. He immediately stopped by the pawn shop and pawned his truck and tools for a couple of thousand dollars. Then he flew to the Strip, where he had a wonderful week.
Back in Manhattan, he went to the pawn shop to pay his loan plus the $100 fee, and redeem his goods.
“We don’t understand,” the owner said. “After you left, the hardware store owner stopped by and he told us you didn’t just win tickets to Vegas, but a whole package that included $10,000 in cash. Why did you need to pawn the truck and tools?”
The carpenter smiled.
“Can you think of anywhere else on this island where I could find secure parking for a week for $100?”
George had a terrible accident on the portable saw mill, and ended up losing the entire left side of his body. But he’s all right now.
More Quick Quips…
- In Herschel’s nightmare, the glue started running… after him!
- A woodworker walked into a bar… clamp.
- The more perfect the joinery, the more likely it’s on the wrong end of the board.
- The fact that the joint doesn’t’ line up doesn’t make you an artist.
- There are no mistakes in woodworking that glue and clamps can’t fix.
- I make designer kindling…
- Okay, nobody can tell the wives that this is easy, or fun…
- Woodworkers who use pocket screws and biscuits are not losers.
- I like your work. It reminds me of when I was starting out…
- When you finally find the tool, you forget why you needed it.
- Don’t clean the shop too well, or everything will disappear forever.
- The cove bit that your lazy, useless brother-in-law stole is… still in your router.
His first grandchild got an all heartwood cherry crib with turned spindles.
His second got a carved rocking horse.
His third got a rattle and a keepsake box.
His fourth got a rattle.
His fifth got a Walmart gift card.
Was That Me?
When the new guy showed up for work his first morning, the old cabinetmaker told him the most important shop rule.
“Try not to drop anything,” he said. “At my age, I’m required to make at least one rude noise every time I bend over.”
A woman walked into the plastic surgeon’s office and asked about the price of a nose job.
“Oh,” said the doc, “they usually run about $6,000.”
“Oh dear,” she said. “What can we do to make it cheaper?”
“Well, we can eliminate the anesthetic. That’ll reduce it to $4,000, but it’ll hurt a lot.”
“Hmmmm … anything else?”
“The post-operative pain killers are about $500.”
Frustrated, the doc said: “Well, I suppose I could use a spoon instead of surgical instruments.”
“… okay. And that would make it?”
“How about $100?”
“Fine,” she said. “My husband had a board kick back on the table saw yesterday. I’ll have him here at 3.”
When George went to see the doctor about his lack drive and how much he had slowed down over the years, a long series of tests revealed nothing. Finally, he asked the doc to give it to him in plain English.
“Well, George,” the doc said. “The honest truth is that there is nothing wrong with you. In plain English, you’re just as lazy as sin.”
George mulled that over a minute.
“So, Doc,” he said. “I have to tell the wife something, and it’s going to have to sound medical. Any chance you can translate ‘lazy as sin’ into plain Latin for me?
A woodworker had lived well all his life and one day, as he was driving home from the shop, the clouds parted and God appeared.
“As a reward for a life lived properly,” the Almighty said, “I would like to give you anything you wish.”
“I’ve always wanted to go to Hawaii,” the carpenter said, “but I’m terrified of flying. Can you build me a highway from here to there?”
“Well,” said the woodworker, “you could help me remember how to set up my dovetail jig, so that I can come back to it in six months and still be able to use it.”
“Would that be two or four lanes?”
“I just got new hearing aids,” Fred boasted. “they’re absolutely fabulous. I can hear the plan shaving the wood.”
“That’s wonderful,” said Bill. “What brand are they?”
“About four o’clock.”
Fred went to the doctor’s office to hear the test results.
“I’m afraid you have two problems, Fred,” the doctor said. “You have diabetes and short-term memory loss.”
“Well, that’s not so bad,” Fred said. “At least I don’t have diabetes.”
By Any Other Name
The members of the wood club were all getting on in years. At the annual Christmas dinner at Denny’s, there were now more widows than woodworkers. And the old guys left could hardly remember anything.
Just before he stood up to make his address, the president had an idea. He and the wife had been in a furniture store earlier in the day and he had seen an unusual wood species, but he couldn’t quite recall what it was. He turned to the treasurer.
“What do you call those fancy red flowers that fellers give to girls?” he asked.
“Yes, that’s it!”
The he looked over at his wife.
“Rose, remember that store we were in today?”
Harry was having his annual physical and the doc noticed that his blood pressure was a little elevated.
“What do you do for a living?” he asked.
“I’m a woodworker. Mostly hand tools. I work all alone in a sunshine filled studio with Brahms playing low and my golden retriever at my feet.”
“Well, that’s not causing it. How about your family history? Think you might get it from your Mom’s side, or your Dad’s?”
“Neither,” said Harry. “But I might be getting it from my wife’s family.”
“No, that’s impossible,” the doc said.
“Obviously, you haven’t met them,” said Harry.
- The sign of a great woodworker is how well he can hide his screw-ups.
- Keep the board as long as you can for as long as you can.
- Always use the short boards first.
- Teamwork is important: it helps put the blame on the new guy.
- I just got fired. The boss said “have a good day”, so I went fishing…
- Sign on a shop wall: “I didn’t say it was your fault: I said I was blaming you…
- 14% of life is Monday. And Tuesday is followed by WTF…
- Sign on the boss’s door: You may have free speech, but I have free deafness.
- Sign on a workbench: I like this job only a little more than I like being homeless.
- Never enough time to do it right. Always enough time to do it over.
- Jim used to build stairs, but the market was just too up and down.
- The reward for a job well done is usually more work.
- People who run CNC routers have their work cut out for them.
- I used to have a job running a chainsaw, but they gave me the axe.
- Seen on a woodshop job application: “I used to be a lifeguard, but this blue kid got me fired.”
- What has a bottom at its top? A Chair leg…
- When carpenters have a party, they raise the roof.
- Nothing messes up a Friday more than realizing that today is only Thursday.
- When it asks on a job app who to notify in an emergency, always write 911
What Are The Odds?
Every day when George got to work at the woodshop, he muttered a quiet prayer as he clocked in.
“Dear Lord,” he whispered, “please let me win the lottery so I don’t have to sand anymore.”
Day after day, for thirty years, he said the same prayer.
The one day, there was a note from God on his timecard.
“George,” it said, “I have heard your prayer more than 62,000 times. Don’t you think it’s time you actually bought a lottery ticket…?”
A beautiful young woman wearing no clothes walking into the office and robbed the shop at gunpoint.
Every man on the floor witnessed it.
Not one of them could describe her face to the police.
The Eyes Have It
The shop owner supplied free coffee for his workers, but every time old Ernie drank a cup, his left eye hurt for days. Then one morning the owner watched him drink, and reached over to remove the spoon…
A Conditional Clause
Harold sent the apprentice to the hardware store.
“Get me a metal vise,” he said, “one with a quick release button. Oh, and if they have wooden shims, pick up a dozen.”
The kid came back an hour later.
“Here you go, boss,” he said. “They did have shims, so I picked up a dozen vises.”
You’re No Fun
A project manager, a cabinetmaker and a finish carpenter found an old lamp on a jobsite. When one of them rubbed it, a genie appeared and granted them each one wish. The finish carpenter said he’d like to retire in Florida with an ocean view in a modern house with no trim. Whooosh, and he was gone.
The cabinetmaker said he’d like to retire in northern California surrounded by giant redwoods and a well stocked workshop. Whooosh, and he was gone.
Then the project manager wished to have them both back at work immediately after lunch.
Location, Location, Location
The old woodworker’s failing memory finally cost him his job. He didn’t get fired… he just couldn’t remember where the shop was.
Investing In Art
The furniture artist got a call from the gallery owner.
“I have good news and bad news,” the owner said.
“Somebody just stopped by and asked if the value of your furniture would increase after your death. O said it would, and he bought the entire collection!”
“That’s wonderful! And the bad news?”
“It was your doctor…”
If a train station is where a train stops, and a bus station is where a bus stops, what happens at a workstation?
He had to turn off both the saw and the dust collector to hear her. She stood at the shop door, shaking with anger, and she looked vaguely familiar.
“I’m your son’s teacher,” she said. “I asked the class what fat chickens give us, and the children said eggs.
Then I asked what a fat pig gives us and they said bacon.”
She paused to collect herself.
“But when I asked what a fat cow gives us,” she continued, “your son said ‘homework’!”
The woodworker stormed out of the woodshop owner’s office and threw his tool-belt on his buddy’s workbench.
“I’ll never work for that man again!” he snarled.
“Why?” his buddy asked. “What did he say?”
“Do you believe in life after death?” the shop owner asked the new employee.
“Because right after you left yesterday to go to your grandma’s funeral, she stopped by with your lunch.”
After many years in the woodshop, the old galoot was finally slowing down a bit. At the annual physical, his doctor asked him some lifestyle questions.
“Are you married?”
“Have been for thirty-eight years now.”
“Do you get any exercise?”
There was a pause while he gave it a little thought.
“Does lovemaking count?” he finally asked.
A Helping Hand
Marvin ran a one-man woodshop out of his garage for many years. Then, in his late sixties, his wife left him. One day the local pastor stopped by to see how he was doing.
“Oh, okay, I guess” said Marvin.
“And what,” said the reverend, “is the loneliest part of your day? When do you miss her most?”
“Well,” the old galoot thought for a minute. “I suppose it’s when I have really long boards on the table saw and nobody to catch the outfeed…”
His body was failing a bit, and the old woodworker asked his doctor if he could take a bath with diarrhea.
“Yes,” the doc said. “But it’s better with soap and water…”
A long-suffering wife takes her grumpy old woodworker to the doctor, and after an exam the medic pulls her aside.
“He’s so cranky because he’s in constant pain and can’t get to sleep,” he says. “So, I’ve prescribed some sleeping pills.”
“I see,” she replied. “And how often do I take those?”
Art is a finish carpenter who is trimming out Apartment 6, and he runs into his competitor, Bob who just finished doing the same job in Apartment 5. The units are directly above each other, so they have the same layout. Art is a little lazy, and he sees an opportunity to avoid doing an estimate.
“Say, Bob,” he says. “Those two units are identical. How much baseboard and casing did you buy?
Bob thought a minute, and then said: “300 feet of casing, and 700 feet of base.”
A month later, the two chippies meet again.
“Say, Bob,” Art says. “I did that job and I ended up with 100 feet of casing and almost 300 feet of baseboard left over.”
“So did I,” Bob laughs.
On A Roll
When she visited the woodworker’s shop, his wife was shocked at the state of the men’s bathroom. She went right down to the hardware store and bought bleach and a toilet brush.
A month later she stopped by again to check on progress, but nothing had changed.
“You’re not using the bleach and toilet brush!”
“Oh, Honey,” he replied, “I tried them, but the paper is so much softer.”
Warren asked his granddaughter to pass him the newspaper.
“Oh, come on, Grandpa,” she said. “Nobody reads print anymore. Here, just use my laptop.”
The fly on the workbench never saw it coming.
His grandson was a little rough on tools, and one day the kid borrowed a handmade chisel that had been left to Greg by his father. The boy used it to dig up worms, and the old woodworker lost his cool.
“That chisel is over a hundred years old!” he said.
The kid shrugged.
“Well, that’s a relief,” he said. “The way you were acting, I thought it might have been new.”
A local newspaper reporter was interviewing the owner if the woodshop for a human-interest piece.
“So,” she asked, “how many people work here?”
“Oh,” he said, thinking, “Maybe half of them.”
The politically correct way to fire a woodworker is to tell him he’s finished. Lumberjacks, on the other hand, usually just get the axe.
Olaf had been feeling stress ever since the economy picked up and the woodshop starting running behind in it’s orders. He went to a therapist, who discovered that Olaf had an affinity for animals. So, she suggested that he go down to the petting zoo every day and relax.
After a week, he was back in her office, more perturbed than ever.
“Did you go to the petting zoo?” she asked.
“Every day,” he said between moans. “And not a single person has petted me.”
The Ph.D. candidate needed a part-time job to pay for books, and he applied at a woodshop. On his first day, the boss handed him a broom and asked him to sweep the floor in the tool room.
“Excuse me?” the scholar said. “I have two Masters degrees and six books in print and you’re asking me to sweep the floor?”
“Sorry, son,” the boss said. “I should have been more thoughtful. So, you hold the broom here and move it like this…”
Roger was on parole and got a job at a woodshop. His parole officer stopped by a few weeks later and asked him how he was getting along.
“Well, to be honest,” he said, “I kind of preferred jail.”
The officer was a bit startled, and he asked why.
“Well, here I have a six-foot workbench and there I had a ten-foot cell. Here I have to buy my lunch from a food wagon and there I got three squares a day for free.
But mostly, the boss here won’t approve conjugal visits…”
A Matter Of Time
Ernie had never married, and when he got to 65 he decided to sell the woodshop and retire in style. A few months later, he stopped by to see the guys. And he brought his new wife, a buxom and beautiful blonde who was still in her twenties.
When she left for a minute, the foreman asked him how he had ever landed such a beauty.
“Oh, he said, “I lied about my age.”
“You mean, she thinks you’re younger than 65?”
“heck, no. She thinks I’m 85…”
Lost And Found
Alfred was delivering cabinets and he couldn’t find the customer’s house. No matter what he entered in the dashboard GPS, it always led him astray.
“Oh, go to hell!” he yelled at it.
So, it took him to his mother-in-law’s house.
It was lunchtime on Monday at the woodshop and the new apprentice was bursting with news. Over the weekend he had asked his girlfriend to marry him, and she had said yes!
“That’s nice,” said Fred. “My wife and I were very happy for thirty years. And then we met.”
What has four legs but only one foot? A bed…
Why is a bookcase so tall? Because it’s full of stories…
An obviously agitated woman stuck her head in the door of the woodshop.
“What’s the quickest way to the hospital?” she asked.
“Oh, probably the radial arm saw,” the old galoot answered.
A Helping Hand
When Mrs. Smith called the furniture repair shop to ask for advice about fixing her wiggly dining room chairs, she was surprised when the woodworker began to explain in detail what she should do.
“Thank you!” she said. “I’m curious – does your boss know that you talk people through doing their own repairs, rather than trying to persuade them to bring the job in?”
“Oh, it’s his idea,” the woodworker said. “We find that we get a lot more repair work to do after people try to fix things themselves.”
You can always identify a dogwood by it’s bark…
How do you get down from a tall tree? You don’t… down comes from a goose!
Did you hear about the fence builder who said he had a Ph.D.? Turns out it was just a post hole digger.
The woodshop had experienced a lot of growth and the owner decided that it was time to hire a professional to manage the daily workflow. The new CEO showed up on his first morning all fired up to do a great job. His first priority was to implement lean management techniques, which meant eliminating waste wherever he found it.
Walking through the shop, he discovered one guy sitting behind a pallet of hardwood with his feet up, playing checkers on his phone. Knowing that the he crew was watching, he decided to be firm.
“How much do you make a week?” he yelled.
Startled, the guy jumped to his feet and mumbled.
“About $500,” he said.
The new boss reached for his billfold, counted out $500 and handed it to the man.
“Here,” he said. “That’s in lieu of a week’s notice. Now get off this property and don’t come back.”
When he was gone, the boss turned to his assistant.
“So, what did that slacker do around here?”
“He delivers pizza, and was waiting to get paid…”
Jimmy walked into work on Monday morning with his arm in a sling.
“I broke my arm in two places,” he told the boss.
“Well,” said the boss, “in the future you should stay out of those two places.”
“I feel like a newborn baby,” the old galoot said when the boss asked him how he was doing, “No hair, no teeth, and I think I just wet my diaper…”
A pickup pulled out of the woodshop right in front of the cop car, and when the siren went on, the guy didn’t pull over, but just floored it.
However, the getaway truck was so ancient that it could barely do thirty, and the cop started laughing.
When the driver finally stopped, the cop told him that if he had a good excuse, he could go on his way. The why woodworker smiled.
“My wife ran away with a cop last month,” he said, “and I thought you might be trying to give her back!”
When the new guy ‘borrowed’ Jimmy’s tape measure, an argument ensued and it rapidly turned into a physical fight. A cop was called and the two woodworkers eventually ended up in front of a judge.
“Surely this could have been settled out of court,” the judge said.
“That’s what we were trying to do,” said Jimmy, “and then the cop got involved.”
The Learning Curve
It was getting harder and harder to find competent, employees and the woodshop owner was down to scraping the barrel. The new employee had no work experience, had never built anything, and seemed clumsy and inept at best. But at least he was breathing, so the boss figured he was trainable.
Sure enough, an hour into his first shift there was an accident and he lost the tip of a finger on the table saw.
“How on earth did that happen?” the boss asked.
“well,” the idiot said, “I just did this and – oh crap, there goes another one!”
A False Impression
One nice thing about getting older is that you can sing in the bathroom while you brush your teeth.
A Joyful Noise
Old Jake worked all week at the cabinet shop and on Sunday he took his bride of fifty years to church.
Somewhere around the second hymn, she leaned over and whispered in his ear.
“I’m afraid I broke wind,” she said, red-faced. “But at least it was silent. What should I do?
Jake looked around at the expressions on his fellow worshippers.
“Replace the batteries in your hearing aid,” he said.
The woodshop’s delivery truck was moseying along at 33 MPH in the right lane when the officer pulled alongside. He motioned for the driver to pull over.
“You can’t do 33 here!” he said when the van was stopped. “This is a 70 MPH zone and the minimum is 45. You’re a danger to everyone.”
As he yelled, he noticed that the passenger was shaking and pale, and staring straight ahead.
“I was doing the posted speed, officer,” the driver said, and pointed to a sign on the shoulder.
The cop started laughing.
“That’s not the speed limit. That’s the number of this state highway. Now, tell me who your passenger is.”
“He’s my installer,” the driver said.
“And why does he look like that?”
The driver turned around and looked at the passenger. Then he realized.
“Oh,” he said, “we just got off Highway 101.”
Maybe it was time to retire. The two ancient woodworkers were sitting at the corner of a workbench having lunch, and one was starting intently at the other.
“What’s the matter?” the second one asked.
“Well, this is a little embarrassing. I know we’ve been working together for decades, but the truth is, I just can’t remember your name.”
The second one stared at him. And stared…
“Um,” he finally said. “How soon do you need to know?”
At the company picnic, three retired old woodworkers are sitting by the lake reminiscing about their years at work. There’s a silence, and then one of them comments that old age isn’t for sissies.
“I wake up every morning at six o’clock,” he says, “absolutely bursting to pee, but it still takes twenty minutes for anything to happen.”
“I know,” says another one. “I have a similar problem. I wake up a seven and heave and groan for half an hour to complete a bowel movement.”
There’s another silence, and then the oldest member of the group speaks.
“I pee like a racehorse at six, and have a regular bowel movement every morning at seven. The only problem I have,” he says, “is that I don’t wake up until eight…”
An aging woodworker’s body was failing in many ways, most noticeably in a lack of hearing. His wife finally took him to the doctor.
The doc talked things over with the wife, and said he’d need stool, urine and blood samples.
“What’s he want?” the poor old guy asked, cupping his ear.
The wife leaned over and said: “He needs your underwear for testing…”
The woodshop had been asked to build several fixtures for a new miniature golf course, and Juan was working with a hole saw on the drill press when things got away from him. Before you could blink, the big got thrown from the chuck and took a huge chunk out of his arm. It was left to the shop foreman to explain to the golf course owner how the tool had made a hole in Juan.
It’s All Relative
“Your brother never brought back my chainsaw,” George yelled at his wife.
“That guy was always such a pain in the you-know-what!”
His wife began to cry.
“You’ve never liked my family,” she sobbed.
“Not true,” said George. “In fact, I’ve always liked your mother-in-law a whole lot more than mine…”
A carpenter was chatting with his friend over coffee.
“Sometimes I wake up grumpy,” he said, “but most days I just let her sleep.”
George bought a new lathe and, like all men, he opened up the boxes and started putting it together without reading the instructions. When he ran into trouble and looked at the paperwork, he saw this.
“You’ve already unpacked it, haven’t you? You’ve probably even plugged it in already. Well, have you? We should probably just break the darn thing at the factory, and save everyone the bother…”
George and Mary had been married for thirty years and he was a little bit bored. One day, she brought his lunch to the woodshop and he excused himself to wash his hands. The phone rang, and Mary answered it.
“Who was it?” he asked when he returned.
“Oh, some crazy woman looking for a weather forecast,” she said. “And it wasn’t even for here. She asked if the coast was clear…”
George was getting on in years and feeling a bit depressed about it, so he consulted a doctor. The medic decided that there was nothing physically wrong – at least, beyond what might be expected after a lifetime of carpentry. So, he suggested George visit a priest instead.
“George,” the cleric asked, “are you worried about the hereafter?”
“every single day,” says George. “I’ll go to the tool room, put my coffee down on the workbench, turn on the lights… and spend the next hour trying to remember what the heck I’m here after.”
Driving Me Crazy
The two ancient brothers, Phil and Jerry, had run a woodshop together for many decades and they were delivering their very last job. Phil was in the passenger seat of the panel van, and as they approached an barreled right on through.
At the next intersection, he was a little more alert. Sure enough, it seemed like the van just whooshed right through another red light. Phil was a little perturbed, but he didn’t want to say anything in case he was just having a senior moment. But when the van blazed through the next red light, he turned to Jerry in alarm.
“Jerry,” he yelled, “we’ve just run three red lights in a row. You could have killed us!”
“Oh,” said Jerry. “Am I driving?”
Charity Begins At Home
One day a very successful woodworker was driving past the sawmill when he saw a man-eating sawfust.
“What on earth are you doing?” he asked.
“I can’t find work, and I’m starving,” the man replied.
“Well, jump in,” he said as he opened the car door.
“We can do something about that.”
“But I have a wife and four children,” the poor man replied. “And they’re all starving, too.”
“Well, we’ll stop by and pick them up on the way.”
When everyone was aboard and they were approaching the woodshop, the starving men leaned over to say thanks.
“No problem,” said the woodworker. “We use hardwoods and that was a softwoods mill. The dust at our shop will be much more filling.”
Q & A
George was eighty-three, so his grandson was talking over the woodshop. The kid set up a computer on George’s desk, and tried to explain how this could help him be more efficient.
“This is Google,” his grandson said. “Just type a question in that little box, and it’ll give you the answer.” George was doubtful, but decided to give it a try anyway. So, he typed…
“Is my brother Murray out of bed yet?
Grandpa took his dog everywhere, and he especially enjoyed his companion’s company at the woodshop.
One day his grandson stopped by the shop, all excited.
“Hello, son,” the old man said, delighted to see him. “What brings you here?”
“I came for the candy.”
The old guy scratched his head.
“I’m sorry, son,” he said. “I don’t have any candy here.”
“Yes, you do! My dad said you make it.”
Again, the head scratching.
“Tell me exactly what your dad said, will you?”
“He told me that you had your very own chocolate lab…”
Smarter Than The Average PC
Old Benjie was getting frustrated by all this newfangled technology. He had always drawn cabinets on graph paper, and this new computer was driving him nuts. Heck, half the time he couldn’t even remember the password, let along what the toolpath was.
Then one morning over coffee he had a brainwave. He suddenly knew how to have the computer tell HIM what his password was!
The next morning when he got to the office, he fumbled with the keyboard as usual and typed in something he thought might be the password. The machine sent him a note. It said:
“Your password is incorrect.”
And that’s when he remembered that he had changed it yesterday to I-N-C-O-R-R-E-C-T!
Bank On It
Harold never reported his credit card stolen, because the thief was used it less than his wife had…
What’s In Another Name?
The old woodworker’s wife was sick and tired of him talking about his prostate. No matter whom they were speaking with, he somehow managed to work it into the conversation. He was obsessed about the fact that he now visited the John several times a day.
Then one day when she brought his lunch to the shop, she looked at the bathroom door and had an idea.
The next day she arrived with his lunch, and a small bag. While he ate, she took down the sign on the door that said “John”, and replaced it with a new one, ‘Jim’.
Now he could tell people how much he visited that!
Every time the old woodworker lifted a board onto the table saw, his back ached. When he bent to pick up something, his legs shook. And when he worked on the lathe for a while, his hands vibrated.
Finally, his wife persuaded him to go to the doctor.
When he came home, his face was ashen.
“What’s the matter, dear?” she asked.
“It’s these pills the doctor gave me.”
“What are they for?”
“Chronic pain, the doc said.”
“And what’s the problem?”
“Well, he said to take one every morning for the rest of my life.”
“He only gave me a dozen!”
The new kid was kinda spoiled, and George didn’t have much time for it. They were on a jobsite installing cabinets in a new home where the furnace hadn’t been fired up yet. It wasn’t too bad inside the house, and George was just fine because he was moving all the time. But the kid just stood around complaining and his body eventually began to get cold.
“Go stand in the corner,” George said.
“Why?” the kid asked, mystified.
“Because it’s ninety degrees over there,” George laughed.
Two Florida woodworkers ran a shop together and one day they nailed all the spare plywood to the window frames because a hurricane was coming. All that day and into the night, the storm howled. Finally, somewhere in the wee small hours, the racket stopped and the two guys felt it was safe to move. There was an eerie clam in the air.
“I can see stars,” one said. “That means we’re either in the eye, or the storm has passed.”
Nope,” the other one says. “It means the hurricane took our roof…”